A reflection on a week
October 20, 2012 § 6 Comments
This last week has probably been the most difficult of all in terms of how I have managed my treatment – the chemotherapy. I have probably felt sick and tired more than most weeks and my mouth is now very sensitive and sore. I think I have been pretty lucky to escape the constant nausea feeling but this week there have only been a couple of days where I haven’t felt ill. I also think I might be stressing out a bit about it because I wake up most mornings with a headache. I have also been pretty lucky with my mouth which has been in good shape until just the last couple of days. My tongue feels burnt and raw, the sides of my mouth feel like they have been cut and inside my mouth there are ulcers. Even my teeth hurt when I clean them – so much so that I dread having to do so.
On the up side i did manage to go for a couple of little walks this week. It is warmer here now which makes me excited to get outside and into the warm air – a change from the freezing weather of a cold Canberra winter. I suspect that the little bit of extra walking has added to the tiredness.
I have chemo again on Monday and for the first time I am really dreading it. Perhaps what I am dreading is that I know the couple of weeks that follow will likely be more like the last couple than when I started – when everything was a bit easier to manage. I can smell the chemo on me most of the time and especially when I go to the toilet. I dry reach these days just thinking of the smell. It is hard to explain what it is like – just awful and all the m0re awful because now I associate it with the nausea.
Another person I know was diagnosed with breast cancer this week. I thought of her all last night – knowing what it is like in those early days and not knowing what to expect in the future. Her journey is just beginning and I am all too familiar with how scary that is. I was talking to someone else yesterday who told me about a young guy with three small children that died during the week. He was diagnosed with kidney cancer three weeks ago. How is it possible for it all to happen that quickly? How is it that someone doesn’t know they are that sick until they literally have only three weeks to live? Life is such a mystery sometimes. The family of that guy have also been on my mind as have my own thoughts about what you would do if you were told you only had three weeks to live. I decided I wouldn’t try and do too much – i’d just want to help the people I love come to terms with it before I left. I don’t know there is all that more I could do.
Life deals some tough blows.