Crisis of Confidence

October 7, 2012 § Leave a comment

This is sort of like baring my soul.  It’s been a tough, tough year – for lots of reasons other than the cancer.  So I guess it is hardly a surprise that I find myself soul searching about what lies ahead and in fact, whether I can have any confidence at all, that my luck will change.  They say you make your own luck – well, god knows what I have done to deserve some of the bad luck that has come my way over the last 12 to 18 months.  But that’s another story and not the purpose of this blog.

It really should be no surprise to anyone that when you are not well, all the things that you confident about and in control of, seem to fall away.  That has been my experience – particularly in recent weeks, and it is scary.  While I am totally confident that I will get over this illness it is everything else in my life that I worry doubt – whether I will find work after all this is over; will I be any good at what I do; what will people do if they know I have been sick? does my illness make me unemployable; will I be able to do the things I had planned in terms of travel; where will I end up; will I be able to afford the lifestyle I have – simple but comfortable; will I be able to move location as I have planned??? Lots of questions that this time last year all seemed to have answers and if not then any doubts seemed manageable.  This year I wonder and worry about most things.  I know how resilient and strong I am – I battled things just as difficult as this in the past.  But tat this very moment I am sick of having to be resilient.  And as much as I know you make your own luck, I just wish it was all a bit easier.  Getting over the cancer is one thing.  Getting over the hurdles after it and getting my life back on track is a whole other challenge that I am yet to face.

My haematologist is pleased with my progress and I am half way through my treatment.  So for all that I am so very grateful.  But I am bald, feel like I am sucking on metal, smell like chemo, have no energy, little interest in things and just plain tired – little wonder my confidence is shot !!! Sus is right.  Sometimes you just feel like you want your life back !!!!!

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