Blogs are for . . . 3.30 am in the morning…..

August 31, 2012 § 3 Comments

SUZBlogs are for 3.30 in the morning when you can’t sleep and can’t stop thinking about all the other things on your mind.  Don’t think I have told you about my 18 year anorexic daughter – totally beautiful, clever, articulate, social and politically conscious, generous, kind girl with the world at her feet with such an insidious illness that I wonder if she will ever have a proper life or be really truly happy.  How can I afford to be ill when all I worry about is if she is going to get through the next week, month, year – this year??  This last week has been a bad one with me nauseous because of the chemo and her with some gastric virus.  And while I have bragged about being to be able to at least eat toast myself – it’s hard not to feel guilty by the poor example I’m giving when I know she MUST eat.  She is as thin as a stick – literally.  Despite every effort of intervention over the last 12 – 18 months, it seems like we are still on a race to the bottom.  I know it isn’t her fault – the illness is insidiously calculating in how it manipulates the mind and bodies of beautiful young girls like my daughter’s, but it is hard not to feel angry with absolute frustration that there seems so little that I can do that has any difference.  I can’t afford to be sick . . . we are on a slippery slope to no where decent.

It’s nearly 4.00 in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep – for three hours now.  I’m feeling OK, not sick just sick with worry about the waste of it all. Even when I get through this myself – that issue is still going to be there.  The light at the end of the tunnel is looking pretty dim at present.

Advertisements

§ 3 Responses to Blogs are for . . . 3.30 am in the morning…..

  • jillinois says:

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. I know the fatigue of chemo, and the sleep issues- and I’ve been anorexic and eating disordered. 😦

  • Traci says:

    I feel for you! But you have to learn to let go of some of the things you can’t control. Super hard, I know. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia 7 years ago. And while neither is life threatening, it is life altering. I’ve learned to achieve what I can each day (whether it is helping someone or just vacuuming the apartment) and not worry about what I didn’t do. Maybe try journaling each night? Then your worries are on the page and can stay out of your head while you sleep! No matter what, we’re cheering you on!

  • Malcolm says:

    Suz: not sure what to say. Hang in there, both you and your daughter. Your indominable strength shows through so clearly

We love comments, go on, leave one, you won't regret it (well you might)

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

What’s this?

You are currently reading Blogs are for . . . 3.30 am in the morning….. at stonesintheroadblog.

meta

%d bloggers like this: