Blogs are for . . . 3.30 am in the morning…..
August 31, 2012 § 3 Comments
Blogs are for 3.30 in the morning when you can’t sleep and can’t stop thinking about all the other things on your mind. Don’t think I have told you about my 18 year anorexic daughter – totally beautiful, clever, articulate, social and politically conscious, generous, kind girl with the world at her feet with such an insidious illness that I wonder if she will ever have a proper life or be really truly happy. How can I afford to be ill when all I worry about is if she is going to get through the next week, month, year – this year?? This last week has been a bad one with me nauseous because of the chemo and her with some gastric virus. And while I have bragged about being to be able to at least eat toast myself – it’s hard not to feel guilty by the poor example I’m giving when I know she MUST eat. She is as thin as a stick – literally. Despite every effort of intervention over the last 12 – 18 months, it seems like we are still on a race to the bottom. I know it isn’t her fault – the illness is insidiously calculating in how it manipulates the mind and bodies of beautiful young girls like my daughter’s, but it is hard not to feel angry with absolute frustration that there seems so little that I can do that has any difference. I can’t afford to be sick . . . we are on a slippery slope to no where decent.
It’s nearly 4.00 in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep – for three hours now. I’m feeling OK, not sick just sick with worry about the waste of it all. Even when I get through this myself – that issue is still going to be there. The light at the end of the tunnel is looking pretty dim at present.