Cancer Doesn’t Scare Me !!

August 23, 2012 § 1 Comment

It’s true cancer doesn’t scare me – I feel totally up to this journey.  I don’t think it is because I am naive or in denial- maybe more that I’m at the beginning of all this process. Anyway we shall see. . . . I hope I prove myself RIGHT !!

Whatever the case, the feeling I am struggling with at the moment is knowing that while I have this quite serious illness, I don’t actually look or even feel unwell – could be just me but I think I look reasonably OK.  This time last year I was running up hills and walking and/or running everyday.  I guess the fact that I simply can’t do that at the moment is proof enough that I am not quite as well as I think I am.   More to the point I don’t actually want to look sick – but I do feel sort of guilty attracting all this attention when, except for the treatment to come, things are otherwise pretty normal.  Again, things might change………….

The reason I am making this point is because in this process and thinking about all these issues, I have had to come to terms with trying to be kinder to myself.  I’ve been a pretty hard taskmaster on myself – high achieving, high expectations, exceptionally manic hard worker etc . . .   I was only reflecting this week about the contrast between how calm I feel about all this cancer stuff and yet how anxious, worried and pressured I’ve felt about both my professional and personal performance on so many occasions in the past.   It just struck me how skew my priorities have been and how distorted  my perception is of what is important – or should be important.  I’ve come to realise just how much of myself I have let get lost in the things that matter – but not matter so much that they should worry me as much as they have.

This is not to say that I think the cancer stuff should scare me – I truly do believe this is all manageable.  The point is that while only early stages, this whole experience has re-calibrated my perspective  in terms what is really worth worrying about.

Yep – still getting to my illness.  I’m building up to it.  I guess that what I am doing is giving you some insight into me in the first instance – I dont want the illness and certainly not ‘cancer’ to define me.  That starting point is just not the right one.

Suz

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